September is Suicide Prevention Month and I would like to share my experience with the dreaded ‘S’ word. 2016 and 2017 were two of the hardest years I have ever experienced. Everything was in a state of flux, my closest relationships were hanging by a thread and I seemed to have lost all direction in my life. Here is a diary entry from August 2016 that captures my sentiment from that time.
“For a little over a month, I have been feeling incredibly low – like a cloud of sadness is hovering over me. I feel lethargic, distracted and unworthy. I lack confidence and feel that even a tiny decision is daunting. Somehow, I don’t look forward to things anymore. I seem to be just floating along, letting life pass me by. I so desperately want to shake myself out of this stupor but can’t seem to figure out how. There has been tremendous change in the past 2 months and I’m not handling it as well as anticipated – new city, new home, new job. There are a lot of firsts too – like the first time the 4…..”
As you can see, I did not even have the energy to finish penning down this entry, let alone complete the last line. Reading this today and reliving how I felt back then is incredibly painful. Besides the heaviness in my head, I would constantly feel guilty for not being a present and loving mom to 2 very young boys. It is these kinds of feelings of worthlessness and overwhelming sadness that can become unbearable, leading people to think of ways to end their emotional pain.
Let’s dispel a few myths about suicide. Firstly, nobody that expresses suicidal thoughts is doing it for attention. It is a genuine plea for help. Secondly, talking to someone about their suicidal thoughts will not give them ideas. In fact, talking openly and honestly about their thoughts may help save a life. Thirdly, suggestions like ‘think positive’ or ‘try meditation or exercise or ____ (insert other activity)’ or ‘snap out of it!’, cause more harm than benefit. Also, I find it both infuriating and saddening to witness the lack of compassion in coverage about suicides in India. There are no media guidelines being followed or no links to resources that someone experiencing depression can refer to. Instead of it being the ‘trending topic’, my wish is that people are empathetic and compassionate, and can shift the discussion to mental health awareness and suicide prevention measures.
During that phase of my life, I connected with the thoughts and illustrations in the book “Hyperbole and a Half” by Allie Brosh. Allie is a renowned blogger and talented comic artist whose smart, witty and honest illustrations on depression and anxiety seemed to express exactly what I was feeling. The illustrations feature her in multiple situations ranging from hilarious to poignant to downright heartbreaking. I have experienced many of those emotions in my own unique situations, and seeing these made me think, “Someone understands. I am not alone.”
On that note, I would like to share how I finally got out of the hole. Here are 5 Ways I Overcame My Suicidal Thoughts:
- Seeking Help. This is such a key step but unfortunately I waited too long to get there. For years, my family and close friends counselled me to ‘fix’ certain behaviour or mood traits. When we finally visited medical professionals, I was misdiagnosed as having depression. For years, I was on anti-depressants which could not treat Bipolar Disorder. It was only in 2017, when I met my current psychiatrist Dr. Mohit Shah and Counselling Psychologist Dr. Suneeta Mehta did the pieces of my life begin to piece back together.
- Trusting the Experts. Once you find the right team to support you (and this could be a bit of trial and error), please trust them. Post diagnosis, my lifestyle had completely changed. There were numerous restrictions on my movements out of the house, alcohol consumption and even phone usage. How could I trust the very people limiting all my freedom? Slowly and gradually, I began to trust them. They were doing what was necessary to help me heal and prevent any depressive or manic episodes from recurring.
- Embracing the New Disha. This was truly very hard. My new self had to adopt many lifestyle changes that were in conflict with my old self. I am an extremely social, energetic person and love to experience new things. The transition to limited socializing, no late nights, zero alcohol and more time at home was difficult. My current life is slower, more relaxed and yet, full of contentment.
- Realizing it is Temporary. What often leads people to suicide is the belief that their situation is permanent. Whether it is a personal, financial or professional crisis, people suffering from depression often believe that there is no way out and the situation cannot be improved. What helped me is distracting my mind from these thoughts – meeting close friends, baking or completing a 10k run. I did things that would typically give me joy even if I wasn’t feeling it in the moment.
- Regaining the Will to Live. With depression, you begin to believe that the world would be better off without you. To go from that feeling to embracing and loving life is a 180-degree turn. And it takes tremendous patience, effort, family support and medical intervention. It has been a long journey and I am still evolving, but at this present moment, I feel grateful for my husband and lovely boys. I want to live. I want to make memories. I want to be better for them.
Mental Health/Suicide Prevention Resources
- Disha Parekh’s Psychiatrist: Dr. Mohit J Shah, Mumbai
- Disha Parekh’s Psychologist: Dr. Suneeta Mehta, Mumbai
- Live Laugh Love Foundation
- iCall Helpline: 9152987821
- Vandrevala Foundation Helpline: 1860 2662 345
Video Interview on Living with Bipolar Depression and Mania
Pink Tinted Lenses 